How to Tell If There is Emotional Neglect in Your Relationship
When you started dating, everything was wonderful. Deep conversations late into the night, sharing things with each other you’ve never shared before, and holding each other when you couldn’t find the words to say.
Years later, it’s like you’re in a relationship with a different person. Sure, they know “everything” about you, but it’s more like they know everything about your history and nothing about your present.
What changed?
Emotional neglect is sneaky because it plants its roots in childhood. One or both partners comes from a family where emotions were misunderstood, shut down, or simply unmet. This causes children to become blind to their own emotions, making it hard to describe and work through them as adults.
Look at emotional connection as an action we can take, not a characteristic we have or don’t have. The good news is that emotional neglect is a solvable problem. It just requires work from both sides.
What is Emotional Neglect?
Emotional neglect happens when a relationship is missing an awareness of each other’s emotional needs, followed by a failure to respond to them. We don’t feel hurt because of what someone did to us, but because of what they didn’t do.
The Toll It Takes on A Relationship
What does emotional neglect actually feel like?
Most people describe it as an unexplained loneliness. We may not be the only person in a room, and we may actively engage in conversation, but for some reason, we still feel alone. We have thoughts screaming in our heads, but anxiety holds us back from sharing them.
The person we love can sit right across from us, but they might as well be a mile away or behind a brick wall. Our conversations are short, shallow, and disconnected.
The Signs of Emotional Neglect
We feel the effects of emotional neglect when we…
Misread our partner’s feelings or signals
Feel like our partner is missing ours
Avoid bringing up relationship issues as to not upset our partner
Have no tools to “argue” effectively
Focus conversations on facts more so than feelings
Turn to our partner for comfort and leave feeling worse or unresolved
Turn to people outside our partner to share exciting news or personal problems
Feel more like individuals than a team
Feel lonely with our partner
Struggle to find conversation with our partner
Only feel positive emotions during sex
Feel awkward about showing love or emotional support
Follow the Yellow “Bid” Road
How do we go from living with emotional neglect to living with emotional connection? The answer is in performative actions for attention or affection called “bids”. (Responding to our partner’s bids is just as important as sharing bids with our partner!)
Bids can be subtle or quite obvious. A bid may look like asking our partner, “Can you brush the snow off my car while I get ready? I’m running late.”
It can also be harder to spot, like watching your partner lay their head down on the kitchen table. This could be a “bid” that they’re having a rough morning. Responding to this could look like making them a cup of coffee or wrapping a cozy blanket around their shoulders.
Researcher John Gottman found in a 2004 study that couples who responded to each other’s “bids” for attention and affection more often stayed together. Couples who missed or chose not to respond to these “bids” were more likely to divorce in six years of marriage.
How Working with a Therapist Can Help
We work with couples who struggle with emotional neglect all the time.
Some couples see it as a maneuverable roadblock, while others see it as a sign to split up. We work to give couples the tools they need to work toward solutions that feel most authentic to them.
Interested in getting started? Sign up for couples counseling today.
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