Do one or both of you feel unhappy in the relationship with one another?
Do either of you feel physically and/or emotionally disconnected from your partner or spouse?
Do you find that you are fighting over “every little thing” lately?
Do you wish you could go back to a time in your relationship when you felt valued and loved?
Have life transitions, like a job promotion or the birth of a child, led to disagreements and chronic fighting?
When people consider couples counseling, it is common for one partner (or both) to describe feeling unhappy, disconnected or like their needs for intimacy are not being met. But rather than communicate about it, the distance seems to grow between you and your partner and the underlying causes are often ignored, avoided and simply not discussed.
Life, people and relationships change over time and therefore your relationship dynamics and communication can change too. This can lead you to wonder if your relationship can survive and if your love for one another has gone out the window because you don’t seem to find an emotional and/or a physical connection to your partner anymore.
Most couples struggle at different times in the life of their relationship
If you are seeking couples counseling, chances are that you may be feeling a great deal of despair about your relationship.
You may be feeling anger, frustration and hopelessness about the future of your relationship. You may also be experiencing a sense of shame because it feels as if you may have been spinning your wheels for months (or years), unable to go forward, yet unable to call it quits either.
You may feel shame about the “pettiness” of your arguments, engaging constantly in a “tit for tat”, feeling like you are losing control or just the venom in your fights is incredible.
If you have children, you may feel ashamed about your children witnessing your arguments in spite of all your efforts to keep them out of it. You may also feel like you have lost each other in your efforts to be the best parents you can be.
You may also feel ashamed that you have lived together as “friends” for longer than you can remember and have each accepted a relationship/marriage of convenience without love, sex or passion.
How do I know if it’s the right time to seek a couples therapist?
Couples should seek therapy long before they think they “need” therapy. Most issues within a couple start small and grow if they do not get resolved or addressed.
Therapy can help by giving tools and techniques to improve conflict resolution. Going to therapy can help you communicate more effectively with one another and can provide you with a safe space where your concerns can be openly discussed.
Every couple should take preventive measures to maintain a healthy relationship, just like going to the gym. If couples don’t work their emotional and relational “muscles” they become weak, untoned and create more of a chance of damage being done to their relationship.
Common difficulties that we have seen in our practice with couples are difficulties communicating with one another, struggling with decision making, different views about respect of personal space, a sense of lack or dissatisfaction with intimacy, the inability to reach an agreement about a conflict you are facing, family planning, relationships with extended family members, relationships with friends, time for self-care, financial management and social life, mistrust, different views about commitment, and differences in cultural origin or family values among others.
If you can relate to any of these, chances are that seeking counseling for couples can be a helpful option for your relationship.
What happens during counseling sessions for couples?
The first sessions usually involve the therapist getting to know the couple by finding out what matters the most, both as a couple and individually, discovering what your values and hopes are for the future, what brought you together and also discussing the areas of the relationship that you hope to improve.
We would be setting goals that are coherent with your needs and your current situation.
During therapy sessions some “ground rules” will be created in order to effectively communicate your ideas with your partner and the therapist.
Basically, during therapy sessions, the idea is to figure out with the therapist ways in which you can find alternatives to the usual way you are trying to handle your current struggles. You will figure out where you are feeling stuck in your interactions with one another.
You will then develop or cultivate different skills that can help you break some old and unhelpful patterns by learning to talk more constructively to one another or trying to solve conflicts in ways that feel more productive for you both.
During our sessions, we also build on your strengths as a couple (believe us, every couple has them!) so you can build on the positive, too. Remember, there have been times when you both have been able to successfully and joyfully be with one another.
Sometimes the therapist will assign some homework for the couple to work on before their next session. This is something that we use as needed. We have met couples who are eager to get homework so they can feel a sense of consistency in between sessions, and there are others who prefer to just dedicate all their time and attention to their issues during sessions. Both options can work well and we will definitely discuss what you feel can work best for you.
What problems can benefit from therapy?
Couples usually come to therapy for different reasons; common struggles include difficulties communicating with one another, feeling disconnected from the partner, sexual dissatisfaction or differences, financial issues and major life transitions such as moving in together, getting married, starting a family, dealing with families of origin and their impact on the relationship are among the common struggles that motivate people to seek couples therapy.
Couples counseling can also be helpful when one of the partners is coping with an issue that might be affecting the relationship (such as anxiety, depression, an addiction or the diagnosis of an illness).
There are also life transitions such as or the loss of a job, changing careers, family planning differences, becoming parents for the first time, changing jobs, moving, becoming empty-nesters, caring for aging or ill parents, recovering from addiction, dealing with serious financial issues, coping after infidelity. These transitions often have an impact on the couple’s sense of equilibrium and can lead to frustration and conflict.
Others look for couples therapy if they are feeling stuck and stagnant in their relationship.
Couples counseling can provide a safe space to talk about difficult and sensitive topics such as sexual satisfaction, cultural differences, communication difficulties, family planning, co-parenting differences, coping with life cycle transitions, managing your finances, and feeling like you are growing apart, among other sensitive topics.
Therapy gives couples an opportunity to negotiate life’s transitions with as little disruption as possible and to explore and honor what that particular transition means for each other and ways in which they can better navigate it together as a couple. Therapy allows couples to talk through their feelings and articulate how their relationship may not be meeting their expectations. “Feeling stuck” can shift if both parties are willing to compromise in a way so that individual needs are met. It can actually be a win-win situation and we will help you getting there.
What if my partner refuses to go?
This is a fairly common scenario as both partners are not necessarily ready to consider therapy at the same time. Try to talk with your partner about why you are feeling you’d like to get into couples therapy. If they are still hesitant, remember you can attend therapy on your own. This alone can have a beneficial effect in your relationship and can help strengthen your own improvement and personal growth. If your partner is hesitant, they may become impressed by the positive changes they perceive in you and decide to pursue couples counseling after all.
How do you know if your therapist is a good fit?
It helps to do your research when looking for a therapist. Do you have a preference in terms of their gender, age, communication style, their therapeutic approach, etc.
However, the truth is that you won’t really know whether a therapist is a good fit until you get together. If you tried therapy before and it didn’t work, chances are you did not get the kind of treatment you needed.
There are also different therapeutic approaches and not all of them work for everyone. For example, for someone who tends to be goal oriented, self-driven and very practical, engaging in traditional psychoanalytic therapy may not be the best fit because the treatment can be long in length, and talking about “what comes to mind” might feel too unstructured and abstract for some people. For others, it may be the best fit.
Another factor that can influence our sense of success in therapy is that there are parts of us that change over time. This means that what did not work for us during our teens, can be helpful in our adulthood years just because we are in a different state of mind, and our priorities probably have changed since then too.
It is hard to generalize from a single experience to your whole life, and no two experiences are exactly the same.
If you are reading this and you are looking for support so you can put the pieces together and move on with your life, feel happier, accomplished and able to experience joy again, chances are that therapy has a good chance of working to your advantage this time around.
We also hear from time to time, that people might not feel a “connection” with their therapist and this is something that had an impact on their sense of how helpful their therapeutic process was. This is so true and so important too.
This is perfectly normal and it can happen in therapy as it happens when you meet someone new (e.g. a friend, a coworker, a potential partner or significant other) and it feels like a mismatch.
If this is something that concerns you, we offer a free 20 minute consultation call for couples who are interested in working with our practice. The consultation can give you a better sense of what we can offer. It also gives us the opportunity to hear about what you are looking for, and what you are hoping to get out of therapy together. We would be able to tell you if we think we can be helpful in your journey, or if we can suggest you any other alternatives.
Just be mindful that quite often, the relationship between you as a couple and your therapist evolves and grows over time as any other meaningful relationships in your life do.
If you are interested in scheduling a free 20 minute consultation call please contact us here
How long should therapy last?
There is no one-size-fits-all answer to this question. It really depends on the individual/family/couple and the issues they’re working through.
For some couples, a few sessions may be what they need to jump start their relationship while others may need a few more months or even years. Commonly we see clients for an average of 8 to 24 sessions but of course this is a rough estimate that changes given your particular circumstances and needs.
In general, it is a good idea to see a therapist until you have met your goals and feel confident that you have gained the necessary skills to navigate the ups and downs of your relationship.
In our training, we do believe in short term options where couples may be going through a rough patch and engage in counseling for couples until they start feeling unstuck and like things are flowing more, even if there is still work for be done and let go of the support for a bit to see how things feel and take it from there.
We have individuals, couples and families who have worked with us for certain periods of time and then they take a break when things feel better. They may come back later on if a crisis arises or any of the “red flags” come back again for themselves or their relationships.
Our lives are not linear and therefore we believe that there should be an openness to the natural flow, and the ups and downs all relationships go through. We will openly talk about this during our sessions so you feel like you are getting the best results out of your decision to join counseling for couples.
If you’re interested in working with us through online therapy, please schedule a free 20-minute consultation call or fill out our contact form to discuss beginning therapy with us.
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