What to Consider If You’re on the Fence About an Open Relationship with Your Partner
Though it may be uncharted territory to you, open relationships have been around for a long time. Depending on the agreement, it can take on many different forms.
Most of us are socialized to accept monogamy as the one true style of romantic living. Opening your relationship comes with a lot of unlearning and re-configuring how you see yourself, your partner, and society’s unspoken rules.
Whether you’re considering soft swinging or going full polyamorous, there’s a lot to consider before opening your relationship.
Do you feel in control of your mental and emotional health?
If you or your partner are dealing with unchecked depression, anxiety, mood disorders, PTSD, or bipolar disorder, it’s best to get that checked out before experimenting with your couple style.
Routine and stability is huge for our mental health. Lifestyle changes, like opening a relationship, threaten the sense of safety and predictability we have. Changing the terms of your relationship before you’re ready can lead to unwanted breakdowns or spiraling.
It’s best to discuss the implications of opening your relationship with a therapist before officially pulling the trigger.
What attachment style(s) do you have with your partner?
In a nutshell, there are four different attachment styles: secure, anxious, dismissing-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. Someone with an anxious attachment style may constantly fear that their partner will suddenly change their mind about loving them, even if there’s no evidence of it.
Knowing how your attachment style affects your level of confidence in relationships is imperative before opening it. You don’t need a secure attachment style to be in an open relationship, rather, you just need to know what you need from your partner in order to feel safe. (And feel comfortable asking for it.)
Should your partner be receptive to your requests, together you may benefit from a healthy, stable open relationship. If you still are unsure about what you need to feel secure in your relationship, wait before opening it up.
Are you and your partner confident communicators?
Similar to attachment styles, you and your partner will rely on communication more as you add more people to the relationship. New people equals new agreed-upon rules and expectations.
The line between consensual polyamory and non consensual polyamory is whether both parties were expecting it to happen. If you hold back from being open and honest with your partner, or feel they hold back with you, it’s best to address these issues in couples' therapy before opening the relationship.
Signs of healthy communication in a relationship include…
Using “I” statements to bring up negative feelings. (Example: Saying, “I felt left out when you came home with takeout for yourself last night,” instead of “You were acting really selfish last night.”)
Practicing active listening. (Repeating back to your partner what they said in your own words, staying off your phone during conversations, or showing sincere interest in what they have to say.)
Choosing to express your needs over using always-or-never statements. (Example: Saying, “It makes me anxious whenever we leave late. Could you do a better job at getting ready earlier so we can hit the road stress-free?” instead of “You never respect anyone’s time because you’re always running late.”)
However, if you feel you have a strong history of navigating hurdles as a couple, you may be ready to explore open waters.
When you are ready to pull the trigger, make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons. Opening your relationship won’t fill any emotional voids your partner isn’t, and it won’t automatically bring you closer together through a shared interest of another person. Open relationships require work, intention, and lots of trust.
To build the foundation an open relationship requires, or to explore more options, consider working with a couple's therapist, like myself.
